Friday, February 17, 2006

Watching the Winter Olympics is a certifiably unrewarding experience.

I'm not gonna start saying that the Summer fares any better but it just strikes me that some of these "sports" as the IOC deems them, are really pushing the limits of actual physical exertion.
Okay, yes, I concede there are some possible contenders for what might be thought of as something where the use of a shower afterwards would be considered advisable.

Downhill skiing. Fine, yes, this seems like a sport. Anyone in in that much of a hurry, must be sporting something?

Ski jump. Pee bump. Though to avoid being called a hypocrite it is included here. Yes, I too used to dress as Superman (I at least had the decency to wear a cape) and propel my hapless cadaver of icy precipices. Although alcohol was usually pre-consumed?

Cross-country skiing. They seem to be making an effort and ski-lifts only ever go uphill.

Ice-skating. Purely for the outfits and high-impact (himp?) lip-gloss. Call me old-fashioned but men wearing facial glitter always gets my vote as a sporting event. Not to mention that that ice is probably really cold. No, really.

Anyway, that's as far as I concede. As for the rest,

Bob-sleigh? Sorry. You're a grown man lying on a tray hurtling down a slippery hill that you and your mates prepared by pouring some water on the night before. Albeit, in a wonderfully slippery way. If this is a sport then so is meditating.

Snowboarding? This will only gain my verification as a sporting endeavor if the contents of their i-pods are also listed for judging on uber-dooper playlist merit. Indigenous folk music, of course scoring very highly.

Biathlon? Exactly.

Curling? And where do we find this "curling". I have watched. I have waited. I have consulted with the great Oracle of Delphi. The curling is missing. A dope testing scandal is surely imminent.

And all the rest? Pfff, why bother...

All joking aside, I do think this raises wider, more pertinent issues though. If international sport is truly war without killing people (somewhat paraphrased from somewhere I know not), is there a process for drawing up treaties in the midst of the aftermath? Somewhat akin to the Treaty of Versailles, the Treaty of Tordesillas or perhaps the Treaty of Allahabad, that carves up the losers share of locker space; running tracks; corner flags; water bottles and the like. And if so, why is this event not suitably televised?

And what of the nations that don't compete? Should they be considered "rogue states"? Hell-bent on bringing about the downfall and complete destruction of anyone wearing Nike running shoes and wishing to collect a lump of rare metal for this feat?

Methinks now is surely the time therefore to launch a pre-emptive Olympian crusade into the heart of those who will not sport!

They won't be expecting it and the Winter Olympics is terribly drab anyway...

Just think of the ratings!


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